1. |
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i spent an entire summer
getting stoned and higher than high
i drank my weight in alcohol
and i threw up three fucking times
i walked to 7/11 in freezing temps with no gloves
i lost 50 pounds by starving, now all i do is throw up
i can't stop being stupid
for the life of me i don't know why
i can't stop being reckless
but i know i'll be alright
i can't help being impulsive
but at least i put up a fight
i spent my youth making mix cds
i've got that goin for me
cause im made of laughter
im made of tears
i'm filled to the brim with irrational fears
i waste my days in bed with blood-stained sheets
i'm made of screams
and im made of sighs
i'm made of sleep and my bloodshot eyes
but at least i made my life a bit more complete
i spent my youth making mix cds
i've got that goin for me
i've broken one too many razors
to watch my arms turn red
i gave myself a black eye
does more really have to be said?
i blew 400 bucks on a plane flight
to new york but didn't actually go
i spent 6 months trying to make her
like me again, shit, that blows
i can't stop being stupid
for the life of me i don't know why
i can't stop being reckless
but i know i'll be alright
i can't help being impulsive
but at least i put up a fight
i spent my youth making mix cds
i've got that goin for me
cause im made of laughter
im made of tears
i'm filled to the brim with irrational fears
i waste my days in bed with blood-stained sheets
i'm made of screams
and im made of sighs
i'm made of sleep and my bloodshot eyes
but at least i made my life a bit more complete
i spent my youth making mix cds
i've got that goin for me
i may despise every aching bone in my shaking frame
but at least i can say i loved you without shame
i may be a goddamn failure to everyone i know
but at least i loved you on the run and go
cause im made of laughter
im made of tears
i'm filled to the brim with irrational fears
i waste my days in bed with blood-stained sheets
i'm made of screams
and im made of sighs
i'm made of sleep and my bloodshot eyes
but at least i made my life a bit more complete
i spent my youth making mix cds
i wrote shitty songs on the ukulele
i stayed up to talk in the morning till 3
i've got that goin for me
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2. |
Earlier Today
04:02
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last year on a sunday
i woke up with one foot inside my grave
cause sometimes sundays just be like that
and there’s nothing you can do to make that change
i spent the whole day zoning out and wallowing in my own solitude
i couldn’t find my appetite, the ghosts inside me left no room for food
evening came and dinner was a piece of toast and one hard boiled egg
i forced myself to exercise despite how it bruised up both of my legs
i kicked it with my sister and we watched some tv and played some nintendo
i looked at plane tickets to new york and cried about how much i wanted to go
i felt like shit but at least i felt much better than i had
earlier that day
last month on a thursday i woke up with a migraine splitting my head
i tried to take some painkillers but that would mean i’d have to get out of bed
i went in late to work, the day went by so slow my hairs all turned to gray
my body couldn’t hold itself, my skin and muscles trembling under the weight
the house that night was quiet and i felt like i could breathe for the first time in a while
nothing for me to do except to act okay and maybe try to force a smile
it was lonely even with my parents home but i could never talk to them
nobody was free that night so i watched kiki’s delivery service again
then went to bed
i felt like shit but i had to admit
that at least i felt much better than i had earlier that day
that day
i felt much better than i had any other day of the week
this morning on a monday i woke up with a brutal hangover
my neck was cramped, my eyes were damp, my shoulders ached and i felt like i had grown much older
i tried to be alone but nothing felt like home
i wondered if i’d ever be alright
the day went by without a hitch
i laughed a lot and cried a bit
and realized all i had to do was fight
i feel like shit but i have to admit that although i’m unfit
at least i feel much better than i did
earlier today
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3. |
Wired
03:40
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I wasted all my days in the summer
Making a mistake, what a bummer
I wanted to believe that we were fine
I tried to fix what i had broken
Leaving memories unspoken
Time wasted with him ain’t wasted time
things are moving way too fast
time and earth will never last
this way
i’m bending to the point of breaking
down into a million shaking
pieces of myself
please tell me why
I sleep too fucking much
And i don’t know how to sing
Cause i’m a little bit bitter im a little bit tired
And my bipolar syndrome is making me wired
I don’t know how to feel
Or i feel things way too much
Cause i’m a little bit spiteful towards the source of the fire
And my eating disorder is making me wired
i stayed awake for four days straight
i waited for sleep but it came too late
ive never felt so numb in all my life
i lost a friend to suicide
their brother found the noose tied tight
i promised them that i would find the lighti
things are moving way too fast
time and earth will never last this way
I sleep too fucking much
And i don’t know how to sing
Cause i’m a little bit bitter im a little bit tired
And my bipolar syndrome is making me wired
I don’t know how to feel
Or i feel things way too much
Cause i’m a little bit spiteful towards the source of the fire
And my eating disorder is making me wired
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
I’d like to believe that i’ve got something left to give
But i’ve got nothing left to give
And oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
I’d like to believe that i’m able to forgive
all the lies i’m made to live
i'll impulse buy some things i don’t need
trip and fall till i’m bruised and bloodied
make my day a little less shitty
i’ll scrub my face and wash my hair
forget my life’s going nowhere
i’ll do my best but it may not be pretty
I sleep too fucking much
And i don’t know how to sing
Cause i’m a little bit bitter im a little bit tired
And my bipolar syndrome is making me wired
I don’t know how to feel
Or i feel things way too much
Cause i’m a little bit spiteful towards the source of the fire
And my eating disorder is making me wired
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
I’d like to believe that i’ve got something left to give
But i’ve got nothing left to give
And oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
I’d like to believe that i’m able to forgive
all the lies i’m made to live
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4. |
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i've been sitting here drinking coffee
and feeling sorry for myself
staring at the clothes on my floor
and the dust on all my shelves
i should probably hang that marvel poster
up before it tears
take a shower, do my laundry
and finally style my hair
the toilet needs to be cleaned
and i should probably take the garbage out
but how do i do that? i'm ADD
i need instructions and a specific layout
you see clutter stresses me out
but my depression tells me it's fine
to leave the mess and just do nothing
maybe it's a sign
sure i spent my youth making mix cds for my friends
but that won't mean a thing if i can't seem to comprehend
how much time has passed
since what i was doing last
i wish i knew what was going on but i don't
im executively dysfunctional
constantly uncomfortable
stressed and don't know how to be alone
so please i beg your patience
i understand your frustration
i promise i'll get around to it someday
Maybe?
i don't actually know
maybe i'll get hit with a sudden burst of inspiration
that gets me off my ass when im feeling low
i haven't changed my bed sheets in a month
or is it two?
i have to send a package
god there's so much shit to do
there's vacuuming and dishes
and that book i'd like to write
but that's a hard when i feel like im dying day and night
sure i spent my youth making mix cds for my friends
but that won't mean a thing if i can't seem to comprehend
how much time has passed
since what i was doing last
i wish i knew what was going on but i don't
im executively dysfunctional
constantly uncomfortable
stressed and don't know how to be alone
so please i beg your patience
i understand your frustration
i promise i'll get around to it someday
yes i will, i will i promise
this, i'll take my meds and
kiss some ass to get where i need going
please, i'll remember to eat
but what does it matter to me
if i don't even bother knowing
how much time has passed
since what i was doing last
i wish i knew what was going on but i don't
im executively dysfunctional
constantly uncomfortable
stressed and don't know how to be alone
so please i beg your patience
i understand your frustration
i promise i'll get around to it someday
maybe
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5. |
for a boy.
01:08
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i know a lot about mythology
i jnow a bit about your art
i sont know much about geometry
but i know the shape of your heart
so keep me around i’ll help you get off the ground
i’ll help you count all the stars in the sky
well whaddya know, you’ve got a star of your own
so keep me tucked into your side
lay in my bed, put your head on my chest
and count all the glow yin the dark stars
would you be so kind as to tell me you’re mine
so we can make this life ours
i know a lot about psychology
i know a bit about your brain
i don’t know much about biology
but i can do my best to heal your pain
so keep me around i’ll help you get off the ground
i’ll help you count all the stars in the sky
well whaddya know, you’ve got a star of your own
so keep me tucked into your side
lay in my bed, put your head on my chest
and count all the glow in the dark stars
would you be so kind as to tell me you’re mine
so we can make this life ours
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6. |
Yellow Cars
03:08
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i’ve been alone all my life
calling out yellow cars as they drive on by
leaving me behind
i’ve been afraid all my life
of always being a bad kid always gotta lie
day and night
i’m not alone anymore
made some new friends and i lost some but they closed the door
to god only knows it’s done for
i know i know i am flawed
i’m just like the other kids
i won’t put on this facade
we don’t deserve applause
cause the kids are smoking cigarettes
and burning their tongues on acid
and having unprotected sex
just to feel real
the kids don’t seem to be happy
they’re drinking vodka like coffee
their laughter’s coming up empty
from skipping meals
and though we’re all just kids
you’ve got to admit
we’ve got spirit
no damn way we’ll quit
we made our bed
we’ll lie down in it
on sheets stained with red
fear crushing our chests
i fell in love w a boy
a boy who doesn’t quite know just who he is yet
but i won’t soon forget
i may not know who i am either
but i know who all my friends are and i’ve got a plan
for us to take a stand
i don’t know how to go back
go back to where i was before i fucking snapped
and everything went black
cause the kids are smoking cigarettes
and burning their tongues on acid
and having unprotected sex
just to feel real
the kids don’t seem to be happy
they’re drinking vodka like coffee
their laughter’s coming up empty
from skipping meals
and though we’re all just kids
you’ve got to admit
we’ve got spirit
no damn way we’ll quit
we made our bed
we’ll lie down in it
on sheets stained with red
fear crushing our chests
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7. |
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i'm sorry i never said sorry
for making your life hell
will i ever get to say im sorry
only time will tell
i'm sorry that i fucked up so much
and kept you on the brink
of losing your mind i know it's stupid
but i just didn't think
i'm sorry that i got angry
when you told me i was wrong
i shouldn't have gotten angry
when you said i wasn't strong
wait, why the hell am i sorry?
hon, i don't owe you shit
yeah, i made mistakes but at least
that's something i admit
im tryna find how to be
alone with me
but i dream of you and when i wake
im filled with this bone crushing ache
but you will see
i'm all i need
i know i can be alone
i've fought my way through sticks and stones
i know i'll be alright
you held me down, took hold of me
and left me stranded out at sea
but i know i'll be alright
Yes i know i’ll be alright
y'know i started off as sorry
but i can't stop thinking about
how you called me a girl so let's give this whirl
i'll take the other route
sometimes i think i'd like to see
your pretty face again
i even find myself trying to call you now and then
im tryna find how to be
alone with me
but i dream of you and when i wake
im filled with bone crushing ache
but you will see
i'm all i need
i know i can be alone
i've fought my way through sticks and stones
i know i'll be alright
you held me down, took hold of me
and left me stranded out at sea
but i know i'll be alright
yes i know i'll be alright
there's tons of things you want me to
say sorry for, that's nothing new
but baby i'll say sorry when i'm dead
i miss your parents more than i miss you
and your voice and your kiss
so baby i'll say sorry when im dead
but i know i’ll be alright
you held me down took hold of me
and left me stranded out at sea
yes i know i’ll be alright
I took your promise not to break
What trust i had left, my mistake
But i know i’ll be alright
Yes i know i’ll be alright
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8. |
Sundays Are Better Now
03:09
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it’s nothing new
for me to cry
when you leave
i feel like i could die
i know you
you don’t cry
when i leave
you smile and wave goodbye
maybe i could too.
we got something
that makes me feel
like i can make it through the week
and we’ll
we’ll look around
and we’ll say
god aren’t you so glad we’re here today
all i need is you
cause sundays, they were never meant for
wallowing in my own sadness
and i think i deserve to feel the light
and sundays, they were never meant to make me feel like i’ve gone batshit
honey, i think maybe you were right
the world is our oyster, we’ve got it all in
the palms of our hands
and we’re going to win this time
cause sunday’s feel alright
you
you know i’m
i’m not okay
and i could easily push you away
but i see you
i hear your laugh
and i could never leave my other half
don’t you see it too?
cause sundays, they were never meant for
wallowing in my own sadness
and i think i deserve to feel the light
and sundays, they were never meant to make me feel like i’ve gone batshit
honey, i think maybe you were right
the world is our oyster, we’ve got it all in
the palms of our hands
and we’re going to win this time
cause sunday’s feel alright
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9. |
By The Neck
03:02
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i’m not okay, i dont know if you can tell
i try to keep it on the DL
but i’m in hell
there’s nothing really wrong except
that i’m just a kid trapped in
a 23 year old
body
maybe i’ll skip a meal and i’ll
look so skinny and pretty
maybe i’ll look like a man
these curves don’t give a damn
it might be a control thing
or maybe a dysphoria thing
or maybe it’s for attention
god please pay attention
to me
i’m not fit for this
this growing up thing’s got me by the neck
while i’m just trying to survive this train wreck and i’m
not someone you’ll miss
there’s nothing special about the things i say
so don’t you dare tell me to stay
i’m not insane but i feel like i might be
just a little crazy
i’ve been drinking lately
i wanna be skin and bones
ribs come poking through my shirt
maybe i’ll waste away
i really hope it doesn’t hurt
what do you fucking do when you can’t even ask for help
you look them in the eye and you say
“thanks i’m doing well”
i’m not fit for this
this growing up thing’s got me by the neck
while i’m just trying to survive this train wreck and i’m
not someone you’ll miss
there’s nothing special about the things i say
so don’t you dare tell me to stay another day
i’m not fit for this
no i can’t even fit into my jeans
and i can’t stomach being seen
i’m not someone you’ll miss
but i sure miss the way i used to be
before i lost everything that made me
me
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OLLIE OXYN Highland Charter Township, Michigan
spencer/ollie. 21. trans and trying to save money for top surgery. i play the ukulele.
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